Goodness, Gracious, Great Balls o' Beef!

You know what I love so much about vintage cookbooks that are deeply devoted to a particular theme, like this week's 1960s "Great Ground-Beef Recipes" from Family Circle Magazine?

I love that what starts out as a terrific culinary journey— a helpful, comprehensive look at a highly versatile food— always takes the off-ramp to Weirdsville, as "creative ideas" incrementally transform into "what in the sweet name of Julia Child is that?"

And that's what we have this week, my friends...


A place where cabbage plays the Sundance Kid to ground beef's Butch Cassidy...

A land where black olives do death defying stunts and performance art...

And a place where dinner, and cleaning out the refrigerator, bear a striking resemblance.

I mean, sure, I could show you all happy, yummy meatloaves and juicy All-American burgers.

But because the recipes among these pages require witnesses, I'd much rather show you things like these "Golden Gate Saucy Burgers with Spaghetti and Rarebit toppings"...

"Teenagers find so many excuses for a party, and here's fare to please all," says the book.

Leftover spaghetti, pickle relish and rarebit cheese on a burger? I beg to differ, O Family Circle-- teenagers will be finding so many excuses to never eat at your house again.

Who came up with this dish? Was the mom of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo working in the 60s Family Circle culinary department?

This dinner is either a way to ensure your kid's first party is the last, ever, guaranteeing a school social life complete with ostracism, alienation and a vague garlic scent. Or it's a clever way to get rid of all those leftovers you didn't quite want to throw out...

"Pasta that hasn't quite turned yet? Block cheese that only molded on the edges? Don't toss it! Feed it to the teens in this festively frugal burger!"

Okay, they didn't write that. But they could have.

Oh... they could have.

I only mention this, because with this next burger, you might start to notice a recurring theme...

"Dig right in, for Hamburger Clubs! Includes everything to satisfy a hungry appetite. One bun half holds a juicy cheeseburger and onions, and the other, saucy beans and crisp bacon slices!"

Yes, you read that right: "saucy beans" on the burger... Saucy green beans...


The sauce, in case you were wondering, is soup! Now that's innovation: taking the soup, salad and veg courses and combining them all into one single entree!

Why waste time having to eat course after course? And why waste acreage on your dinner plates, and make more dishes for yourself? Now you can just layer it all onto one single burger-licious, bean-a-lovely dish!

I was waiting to see if they included a burger that also contained the post-dinner hot fudge sundae. But I guess that might be the second edition of Great Ground Beef Recipes.

It does really seem to need chocolate sauce.

Oh wait-- at least, I did find peanut butter!


Yet there are two other important things I learned from this cookbook. One is that cabbage and ground beef are an absolutely inseparable twosome. Like Laurel and Hardy... Abbott and Costello... Lucy and Ethel...

Or Hollywood celeb couples known by cutesy name consolidation, until they break up three months later and regain their individual identities.

I would recommend that the cabbage-meat couple above break up now. Now please. No one wants to see that. Avert your eyes, dear friends.

Also, I cannot explain to you why the ground beef center in this dish seems to be white. Yes, I am as scared by that as you are.

Let's move on to celebrate more wonders with cabbage...

I feel a little sorry for the meatballs in this "Skillet Dinner," actually. They look all confused and out of place, wondering how they managed to accidentally get lost in this vegetable class reunion...


And now we come to the second thing I learned from this cookbook. Not only are cabbage and ground beef tried-and-true performers, but black olives are Artistes!

I mean, just take a look at the zip, the verve, the creative energy they add to this plate of Cabbage Roll-Ups!...


Working with their friend the yellow pepper, olives levitate, they lift, they stand proudly on toothpicks and demand your attention! When you see them on a plate of noodles and cabbage wraps, you think, "Now this... this is class."

Or, sometimes, they put on their fancy plumed hats and do a Vegas showgirl routine!...


That little veg teepee on the left is a "dill pickle fan." But, really, how can it upstage our pert black olive beauties?...


Well, before we go today, I'd wanted to share one last tidbit of information with you from this book...


Heh, no, no... I'm not going to make the obvious joke here. But apparently we can learn that by taking slices of American cheese and arranging them into geometric designs, this is what truly turns a casserole from fine to, erm, fahbulous!

• Before you go, if you'd care to check out Wednesday's Treasure Box post, where we peruse some journals made out of recycled books, and check out the local farmer's market, click here.
  

And me, I'm going off to have myself a nice Sunday dinner, complete with cabbage, white beef, dancing olives in elaborate headdresses, topped with spaghetti and a nice peanut butter soup sauce.

Tasty!

Miss Dine-About-Town, the Tapioca Gourmet

What looks like fish-eggs in aged mayo, yet is apparently the single most perfect ingredient for all your five-star, restaurant-quality cuisine? Well, according to this 1938 cookbook and its guide to the finer things-- "Miss Dine-About-Town"-- nothing says true class like Minute Tapioca!


Miss Dine-About-Town is quick to tell us she hasn't made any of these dishes herself-- no, she's just eaten them.

Yep, ol' D-A-T's been mooching off family, friends and hopeful restauranteurs, trying to make it sound like it's her high society job... And not, y'know, that she's just a lonely, aging spinster happy to share a meal with anyone who doesn't have FancyFeast breath or shed.


Of course, given the looks of some of these dishes, I can see where Miss Dine-About-Town would want to disavow any involvement in the culinary side of things. I mean, who could blame her?

I'll show you what I mean.

Here, we see the ladies of the bridge club enjoying a quiet, civilized luncheon. Judging by all the black, I'm guessing this was right after they lost their fifth member, Gladys, in an unfortunate card shuffling accident...

Grand Soups I've Met

If you like cream soup with a new texture, a wonderfully creamy "body," try Minute Tapioca in it.

Yes, of all the soups I ever met, the most memorable were the ones with little nubbins of tapioca floating in 'em. I noticed the soup here is called Duchess Soup, and I had to find out just what sort of tapioca-based soup Royalty was enjoying during the 30s.

Well, apparently, our crowned counterparts like their soup made of milk, butter, minced onion, tapioca and grated American cheese.

I say-- terribly regal, what? Undoubtedly what the Queen herself enjoys along with a nice Spam roll or two.

Then Miss Dine-About-Town busts out some main course ideas...

Croquettes and Patties I can personally recommend
Instead of sad croquettes that have lost their shape, or taste all bready and dry, these are shapely, moist creations-- with no hint of what holds them together!

What holds them together, if not Minute Tapioca, might be a few surgical nips and tucks and a pair of perky silicone implants... what do you think?

Similarly, I find myself concerned about the decoratively-arranged veg surrounding this "Veal Loaf Roast"...


I mean, the alternating slices of tomato and onion on top are slightly odd, but what exactly is going on with these potatoes and carrots on the side?...


What statement are we trying to make here exactly? That the cook's love life is not all she'd hoped?

And why do those carrots seem to be trying to do some sort of Rockette scissor-kick move?

Well, moving on to other, less anatomically-correct vegetables...

Now thanks to Minute Tapioca, you'll never have to endure the tiresome process of making a white sauce to drown your veggies in...


Nope, now you can drown 'em lickety-split with versatile tapioca!

Or perhaps your guests are more into sandwiches... Well, Minute Tapioca holds moisture, but won't make bread soggy. So let's just take a look and see what kind of sandwiches they suggest.


"Nippy Cheese Sandwich Filling," eh? And what puts the nip into it? Let's see here... canned tomatoes with juice and pulp... Minute Tapioca... dry mustard... grated American cheese (perhaps it was nippier back in the 30s)... ground dried beef... and Worcestershire sauce.

Mm-mm!, yep, dried beef, American cheese, mustard and tapioca-- doesn't that sound... um... very... er.... elegant and, um, moist?

Well, before we go today, I thought you all would want to see the booklet's full-color centerfold. And no, it's not Miss Dine-About-Town posing for a cheesecake photo...


In fact, cheesecake doesn't enter into it.

The more I look at this, the more I find myself thinking how this is the dessert equivalent of those fat, mustachioed, scary-hairy actors you find out work as the leading men in adult movies.

I mean, I suspect this two-page spread is supposed to be tantalizing, to make us drool a bit-- but somehow with all the lumps and bumps and fruit sprigged like questionable rashes, it just spoils the appetite.

It's the Carl Hungus of dessert buffets.

Well, that's the end of today's dish!

• If you missed last Wednesday's Treasure Box bounty, click here.

Otherwise, I hope the week ahead treats you sweetly. With no lumps!