Even More Brow-furrowingly Funny Vintage Ads

Last Sunday, we dug into Successful Farming magazines of the 20s and 40s, a time where the people were of, um, unnaturally strong fiber.

So today, join me for part two of this excursion into the past, as Mrs. Willers gives us the willies over "Glasbake"...

We learn the right way to use "spandy-clean" in a sentence...

And we meet the, um, hot chicks of farming, 1927-style...

Let's get started!


We begin with a whole new level in garment suds-boosting hydro-submergence technology (okay, laundry... doing laundry). Introducing new "Anti-Sneeze Rinso"...


"The Rinso people aim to please..." sing delighted cartoon ladies on ice skates. "They've made new Rinso Anti-Sneeze!"

Yessir, I always croon about my laundry detergent al fresco as a form of personal Ice Capades. Doesn't get the really big crowds going, of course, but is great exercise and good way to get the message out to the local hockey team...

Those jerseys could be whiter.

Like so many ads in the 40s, Rinso emphasizes the benefits of their product through broadly-smiling generic comic character endorsements.

Here our Housewife Heroine tells her smiling husband just how much they're saving using Rinso...


The friend, Mary, of course, is just a genius about these things. All the smart housewives in the neighborhood turn to her for tidbits of information on everything from Rinso and Spamburgers, to how to know if that lipstick on their husbands' collars really belongs to the secretary.


"And Ed, look how spandy-clean your shirts are?" Yep, I bet Ed can barely enter the office without coworkers stopping him, gasping and saying:

"Gosh, Ed-- your shirt's looking so spandy-clean today! Just how does that wife of yours do it?"

And Ed says, "Why, I'm glad you asked, Bob! I agree, my shirts have never been more spandy-clean since Peg started using Anti-Sneeze Rinso. That gal is sure is swell!"

I'm not sure why the, er, Pro-Sneeze Rinso prior to this appears to have been, in fact, less spandy-clean. But then again, I'm not entirely certain I want to know the answer to that, either.

Well, once you've done the wash, it's time to make-up that face of yours. And who will show us how to do it?... Who?... Who?...


Marge Simpson's grandmother, for Armand Cold Cream Powder!... Didn't know that famous blue -do was hereditary, did you?...

The text reads:

"Your prettiest face...
It's the one you look at last
as you leave your mirror...
Is groomed and dainty....
Fresh as a June rose. The
problem is: to keep it that
way always when you're busy
...dancing, working or en-
gaged in outdoor sports.

So basically, it's a really nice way of saying, "Look, lady, this is as good as it gets and it's all downhill from here. "

But Marge's grandmother knows: the cold cream powder helps her tone down that famous, jaundiced complexion, and keep it looking fresh as a yellow rose.

So after you've made up your face? Then why don't you make yourself welcome and... um...



...Stop scaring off small children with your bad breath? Ah, but it isn't just children is it? No!! It's manicurists! One-hundred and eleven of 'em!:

111 Manicurists say that halitosis is apparent in about every third customer-- every one of them men from the better walks of life. Who should know better than they? Fact to face evidence.

That's right-- one in three well-to-do men will apparently spend money on getting themselves a nice set of French tips, but not on an economy-sized bottle of Listerine. And hey-- if 111 manicurists say so, why, it simply must be true!

Of course, you'll need fresh breath-- for all the gasping and crazed laughter you'll apparently be doing when you get your FREE GLASBAKE SET!...


"Just say the word to your husband... and see how easy it is to get this whole set!" the ad tells us.

Down at the bottom of the ad, you'll note Mr. Martin Willers is a whole lot less enthused about the "famous, genuine" Glasbake than Mrs. Willers is up top. In fact, what they're not telling us is, Mrs. Willers gets just as excited about peas... And checkers... And gowns that tie in the back.

Yes, you guessed it, Mrs. Willers is an inmate of Sunnyside Sanitarium! She won't actually be allowed to take the Glasbake with her-- she could shatter one of the pans and use the glass to injure herself or others.

But, as Mr. Willers says, "Daggumit, jest look how happy she is! You gonna take that away from her?"

They'll order it and bring the Glasbake to see her on visiting days.

And now we go from the manically-ecstatic, to the mildly-entertained land of disembodied heads...


"In my opinion, insulated Texaco motor oil is an oil that ensures protection," say Herbert Harloff, whom we've never seen before in our lives but we automatically trust, due to his good-natured smile and nifty Gabby Hayes hat.

And if Herbert isn't enough to persuade you, Texaco offers you three more floating heads to offer the kind of sincerity heads with bodies just cannot provide...


Like Elliot Ness up top, who wasn't quite paying attention because he had a few other things on his mind...

And then that, um, German villain from Raiders of the Lost Ark below him...

And then, lastly, maybe the first husband of this stunning starlet...


Mrs. Jim Moore... Under that mild, spectacled exterior lurks a woman who is bound and determined to give you "here, for the first time, the one thing you've always wanted."

Money? Fame? Gregory Peck?

No! Who wants all that rubbish when you can have chickens! And not only does Mrs. Jim Moore sell chickens but she's also "hiring men or women chick agents-- no experience necessary!" Chick agents?

So, um, when the chick agent closes a deal does he have to place a call to his peeps? (yeah, yeah, I know, but I had to.)

Ah, but now we see Mrs. Jim Moore has some tough competition-- from this elegant beauty...


Gusta B. Atz. But Gusta doesn't sell chickens... Nope-- she sells "chix." It's interesting to see chicken sales was such a female-dominated business. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "hen party."

I love, too, how much times have changed. Check out what Mrs. Atz says here:

"I enjoy the confidence customers are manifesting in us with their hard-earned cash... Parting with cash in advance requires confidence. I repeat that we appreciate this and personally pledge myself to retain this confidence."

Today, it'd be more like:

"I enjoy the confidence customers are manifesting in us with their hard-earned cash... Parting with cash in advance requires confidence. We appreciate this and should be having a grand ol' time in the Cayman Islands soon. We will send you a postcard."

It does seem, though, that being a chick agent was a rough life. Those women look so terribly sad...

Or perhaps they'd just had this for dessert...

Apple jewels in tapioca... beeee-oootiful!

Perhaps the aesthetic beauty in the 20s/40s was different than today? What do you think?

Hope you enjoyed today's 100% laxative-free post.

• If you missed part one of our post on vintage ads from Successful Farming, click here.

If not-- perhaps I'll see you Sunday! Hope you have a lovely week. (And stay warm!)

Brow-Furrowing Ads of Successful Farming Magazine

How did farmers in the 20s, 30s and 40s learn the tricks of their trade? Why, by subscribing to Successful Farming magazine!

Yet, today, I'm not going to tell you how to go whole-hog in tending those pigs...

Or how to be popular with the chicks (petite pullets, that is)...

Or even ask you to lend an ear on growing corn.

Nope! Today, in the first part of The Thrift Shop Romantic's special two-part post, we'll dig into the magazine's advertising-- a wild and wondrous world of disembodied heads, testimonials from people you've never heard of, wagonloads of exclamation points, and cartoons, cartoons, cartoons...


We start here with... Sal Hepatica laxative. "Sal Hepatica"... Hm, sounds like the name of a personal injury attorney from my hometown in Jersey.


Here we meet Mrs. A, and Mrs. B... And we're told the bazaar is spoiled for Mrs. A...


Once she gets to that church parking lot, she knows the competition will be fierce. Yessir, she's got to sell more desserts than that haughty Mrs. B, or she'll never live it down!

Why, last year, that woman rubbed it in for months, simply because she sold three cupcakes more than Mrs. A did. Three cupcakes! Is that kind? Is that Christian?!

So having to leave suddenly for, well, personal reasons would almost certainly put Mrs. A behind-- in more ways than one.


And so, like the trooper she is, poor Mrs. A. goes to the bazaar anyway, and is surprised to discover that her constipation seems directly-related to the marketability of her baked goods.

Yes, it was a simple case of being unable to get her bundt in gear.

Mrs. B, on the other hand, has a lovely day...


These church bazaars are just teeming with women who need laxatives. But the morning of the bazaar, Mrs. B. called on her old buddy Sal Hepatica, and he came to the rescue right away. So how were Mrs. B's sales?


It's all in the salesmanship, we see! And in the Sal Hepatica.

Okay, well, moving on, let's examine another topic. And what have we here?..


How nice that Mrs. Chas. W. Hallock of Suffolk County shares with us her recipe for muffins!


Erm... bran muffins.

"They're not only nourishing, says Chas. W. Hallock, the chef's husband, "but they also give you bulk to help prevent constipation!"


He looks really happy about it, too, doesn't he? Sitting there with his cartoon breakfast.

I bet you didn't know this, but everyone ate hand-drawn breakfast back in the 40s. Yep, illustrated eggs over easy... Stipple-effect bacon... Dry brushed toast... It's why everyone was so slim. The most illustrated meal of the day, they used to say.

"Life is Swell, When You Feel Well..." Words of wisdom!

Well, now that we've taken our Sal Hepatica and enjoyed a bulky bran muffin, let's check out another ad...


For Fletcher's Castoria castor oil. Perfect for-- yes, you're probably starting to notice the trend here, you clever bunnies-- constipation. In this case, we enjoy a short, Castoria-sponsored morality play.


Bill Todd's anger management classes haven't been working out and he seems to have ticked off his sister-in-law, this Judy Garland impersonator. He claims the wife went to the hospital to have a baby, but who knows? It's going to be pretty hard for her to explain those shoe-shaped bruises, either way. It's no wonder little Billy's next on the hit list.

Let's see what drove Bill Todd to this, shall we?


"...You've never heard a rumpus like the one Billy made when he saw that laxative!" says Mr. Todd.

Or maybe, just maybe, he noticed that shoe you were holding behind your back, Sir. Toddlers have wicked-good eyesight for things like that. And, of course, the answer for a child who's uncomfortable and cranky in his lower intestines is...


To beat the livin' tar out of his delicate regions with a hard object. Yes, that'll loosen things up, all right.


But thankfully, Judy Garland intervenes. She says beating him with a shoe-- oh, wait, no-- giving him adult laxative, could shock his nervous system. So what is the answer?


Fletcher's Castoria! And it's so effective, it will "solve Billy's laxative problem for years!" One dose lasting for years? Wow, now that's powerful.


The best part is Little Billy loves the Castoria! Indeedy, kids do love a good dose of castor oil. Right after they enjoy a big plate of liver, eating all their vegetables, and cleaning their rooms.


A giant family-size bottle of Castoria has saved the day! And it's more safe and effective than a visit from Child Welfare Services! Thank you, Judy Garland impersonator!

Now here we have a little girl "Doing her best for Daddy," and setting the table with all the Monarch brand products Daddy loves...

The text reads:

"All women are born with the knowledge that men like good things to eat. She is a lucky woman who learned as a little girl that the Monarch's 'Lion's Head' trademark always means pleasing and satisfying foods. More then 200 items bear this dependable token of Purity, Flavor and Excellence."

Yes, it's innate, that knowledge. We females come out of the womb and think, "Gosh, I bet my dad could use a Pure and Flavorful can of Monarch Teeny Weenie Sardines and a cup of Monarch Coffee right about now."

We just don't know how to articulate it.

Now, I loved this one. "Are You a Modern Motorist?"...

If so, you probably have:

• An automatic windshield wiper
• And front and rear bumpers

Yep, front and rear bumpers! The 1927 coolness equivalent of SatNav.

Have you been taking your front and rear bumpers for granted lately? I know I have. So the next time you get in your car, give 'em an affectionate pat. They've earned it.

And here we have a Creepy Sneering Bellboy or a Pink-faced Organ Grinder Monkey telling us...


...Philip Morris cigarettes are healthier for us than other ciggies! Yes, indeed, protect your throat with these finely made sticks of cancer. The text reads:

"It's a fact-- all smokers sometimes inhale. More smoke reaches delicate nose and throat passages. And chances of irritation increase! But now look at the findings of eminent doctors who compared five leading brands of cigarettes... and report that:

In striking contrast to Philip Morris-- irritant effects of the four other leading brands averaged three times as high-- and lasted more than five times as long!

Some inhaling goes with smoking... but worry about throat irritation need not go with inhaling. Change now to Philip Morris-- for pleasure without penalties. Why wait?"

Um, yeah. No comment.

But hey-- why is Uncle Sam looking so stern?


Let's take a closer look...


"Uncle Sam says we must drive our cars longer." And so who is there, ready to give us terrific advice on ways of making these cars last longer and save on resources...? These American cars whose fuel burns red, white and blue... ?


Some unshaven French dude in a beret! And French Dude (Dude de Francais) recommends Hastings Steel-Vent piston rings. Thank you, Dude de Francais! Now my American car can endure even more trips to the cabaret to listen to Marlene Dietrich-styled torch songs, while I eat pomme frites and caviar and drink boujoulais.

Ooh-la-la! Uncle Sam will be so proud.

But before we go...


Yes, yes... We know already. You folks never tire of bran. It's been made abundantly clear.

Join me for Wednesday's post, when we take a look at a few more ads from Successful Farming. I know that may seem a bit irregular, but I assure you-- this time the ads won't be.

Hope to see you then!