Giggles over Wiggling, Jiggling Jell-O

"The Joys of Jell-O Gelatin are never ending."

That's what a thrifted recipe book-- " The New Joys of Jell-O" assures us. And certainly when you can make anything with it-- from the tantalizing jellied prune whip, to an antipasto salad that uses vinegar, salami and lemon gelatin-- well, you've pretty much got variety up the wazoo.


But the recipes weren't the actual reason I bought this book. I mean, sure, I could pluck the very most molded and gooey creations and scare everybody here silly with them, including myself. But it's time I grow up and demonstrate that I'm more mature than that...

So I'm going to make fun of the book's lifestyle shots.

"The New Joys of Jell-O" was set in the early 70s. A time where women were just beginning to re-enter the workforce. Where people of color were being featured more regularly on TV and in film. And where every housewife knew that when bringing a dessert, it was absolutely critical to match that dessert to one's outfit...

Like our neighbors here...


Nancy Neighbor is always showing off. Every get-together, it's all fancy Jell-O dessert and color-coordinated kaftan. She doesn't even really want to be here. Look at that forced smile. Notice how she won't quite look us in the eye?


She was fighting with her husband, Norris Neighbor, all the way over here. She feels we aren't refined enough to truly appreciate her Jell-O creations. Norris, by the way, is a detective in Barney Miller's precinct. And he knows Nancy's been cheating on him-- cheating with the guy who stocks the Jell-O down at the supermarket. They'll announce their divorce next week.

And it looks like Norris already has his eye on you.


Speaking of outfit-to-Jell-O coordination...


When serving Jell-O parfaits, it's absolutely critical to dress like one. It sets the tone, the atmosphere. Given the time period, having a party where people of different races intermingle was rather daring and forward-thinking of Jell-O. It tells us that whether you're black, white, purple or green, Jell-O is happiness and racial harmony... It brings us all together! And just to further emphasize the happy relations of people of all colors and creeds, the parfaits that match the hostess' dress are, yes, black and white. Subtle, eh?

The man pictured on the right doesn't look too happy, though, does he?

I think he's listened to laughing boy's jokes on the left just a few too many times and is trying to tune out.

"Please, let this party end soon... Please let this party end soon... So help me, I hate this guy."

Here, the Brady Bunch kids make Jell-O to sell and raise money for their parents' anniversary present...


But because Marcia and Bobby ate everything they made, the young Bradys ended up having to go on a variety show and sing instead. This is one of the outtakes.

Moving on-- Ahhh, nothing like Jell-O logs melting before an open fire!...

But what's happening here?...

As Sue and Steve flirt in their matching turtleneck sweaters, Kim is comforted only by the warmth of her sheepdog skin vest and yet another glass of Chianti.

Hey, Kim, it looks like you spilled some on the rug! Oh, no-- nevermind. That's just the pattern.


Ah, the wedding day! Doesn't the bride look beautiful? And what better to complement a happy occasion than a Nerf football readily handy on the buffet table, offering easy access for a post-ceremony pick-up game?

Wait-- my mistake-- that's actually Creamy Bleu Cheese Salad which uses Dream Whip Whipped Topping, Bleu Cheese, Cream Cheese and, of course, Lemon Jell-O. Mmm-mmm. This will be a feast that couple is destined never to forget!

Well, okay, I know SAID I wasn't going to share any recipes with you today, but I thought I might include just two...

Mrs. Lovett was very economical. What she didn't use in her meat pies went into her desserts. Black cherry Jell-O? Maybe... maybe not. Only she and Sweeney Todd know for sure.

And in the "Things You Never Thought Of" chapter, I must say, I have to agree with the Jell-O people...


I never would have thought of glazed hors d'oeuvres using dill, vinegar, cayenne, bayleaf and Lemon Jell-O over finger sandwiches...

And I hope to never think of it again, too.

Jell-O is groovy!

And so are you, for stopping by today!

• For those who missed Wednesday's post where we take a look at the magical architecture of Kennywood Park, click here.

• And take a trip with me to the Redwood Forest, the Black Hills, the Grand Canyon and more-- all through 1930s postcards by clicking here.

Hope you're having a terrific summer!

Artichoked Up Over Befuddling Vintage Vittles

Ah, Amy Vanderbilt: the Martha Stewart of yesteryear. But even Martha has her "off" days, right? (Cooking and crafting ones, I mean. Not ones that involve electronic ankle bracelets; this blog can only cover so much.)

What I'm trying to say is: not all creative ideas withstand the test of time... or, say, make it comfortably through the digestive process. And those are the recipes I hope you'll get some grins from today.

The first comes from the 1966 Amy Vanderbilt Success Program for Women cookbook, "Serving Food Attractively."


The book tells us, "Artichokes, halved, filled with jellied madrilene and topped with a slim slice of lemon are beautiful to look at and wonderful to eat." Merriam-Webster defines madrilene as "a consumme flavored with tomato." So basically, we're talking cold brothy-tomatoey jelly veg-nests here.

To look at this dish and its display-- complete with spoon-- reminds me a bit of the dinner scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Only they used monkey heads instead of artichokes.

But what is it we have over here? The book tells us an important part of good eating is in the presentation. So what exactly adorns our table?


Why, artichoke candlestick holders, of course! Made from fresh artichokes. And over here on the wall-- what says Old World Charm more than a wrought-iron wall plaque adorned with... yes, that's right... MORE real artichokes?


Ah, dig deep into your refrigerators, my friends-- it could be a whole new world of decorating inspiration. Store salt in your squash, pepper in your pears, and hang shallots from your chandelier to give it that special je ne sais quois (translation, "Why the heck is THAT up there?).

Do you test spaghetti by tossing a strand against the wall? Leave it. Enough pots of pasta and soon, you'll have a unique, handcrafted sculpted art installation, envied by all your closest friends who also tap into the Food Pyramid for decor options.

And when you tire of it? The candlesticks and wall art of today might just be the main course of tomorrow. There's no END to the possibilities.

Or, you could just, you know, shell out five bucks for some thrifted candlesticks and some paintings. Either way, really.

Well, how about this?

Here we are in the Tower of London. Ah!-- aren't the Crown Jewels stunning? And--

Oops, my bad. That's lamb. But, wait, what's that bubbling up from inside that little roast volcano?


A little hard to tell from here. Let's read the caption, shall we?

"Try your favorite recipe for crown roast of lamb. Top it with a combination of sauerkraut, rice and honey..."

Sauerkraut, rice and honey? So... okay, cabbage and then...

"Brussels sprouts make a flowery center for a frill of golden yams, and the spectacular spumoni make this an exciting holiday dinner."

I'll say it'll be exciting! A holiday dinner of twenty people devouring heaping plates of cabbage and brussels sprouts? And we all know what Great-Uncles Ernest and Eugene were like at the family picnic after a couple of plates of baked beans. With great mounds of these gaseous greens, a Silent Night it's unlikely to be!

Well, let's move from the holiday table to more practical, everyday eating, with the Amy Vanderbilt Success Program For Women "Casserole Cookery" book. And this book truly understands the pain of the modern 60s homemaker:

"Does your husband groan when you mention you are going to have a casserole for dinner?... Between you and me, many a delectable casserole has been made from left-overs, but husbands usually have to be shielded from the information that left-overs are the prime ingredient..."

(The poor dear flowers. So sensitive.)

"...Casserole cooking should be creative and stimulating, both in an intellectual and gustatorial manner..."

That's right, folks. "Intellectual" and "stimulating." So with that, I give you:


Kraut and Frankfurter Tahitian-- "a flavorful combination of sauerkraut, pineapple, onion, green pepper and frankfurters."

Ah, Tahiti... the waves, the breeze, the outdoor stands where you can get a red-hot with kraut on it for just under a Pacific franc.

What, you'd heard Tahitian cuisine was based on the island's French and Polynesian heritage? No, no, no! That's just for TOURISTS. TRUE island cuisine reflects all the processed meat gusto of an Oktoberfest in Munich. Remember, this dish is "intellectual." So it knows about culture and context and all of that stuff the rest of us don't. Trust the cookbook. It's a lot smarter than we are.

As proven by the inclusion of this little guy...


This is the island god, Ozca Maia. He's protector of the processed meats and ensures the prosperity of the island's vast cabbage plantations. You use him to distract your husband from the fact he's eating leftovers by prompting a fresh and exciting dinnertime conversation.

Conversation like, "Honey, what is this wooden thing, and why does it look like it's yodeling?"

That's when you tell him that yodeling was a popular ancient Polynesian pasttime, vital to tribal morale and communication. In fact, Tahitian Idol, as they called it, was the island's most popular weekly evening event.

See, how much more this cookbook knows than we do?

Now that we're done with cultural exploration of the South Seas, we move on to our friends in the North. The Far North. With "Swedish Pancakes with Tuna."


Note the gelatinous mold in the background, which is a to-scale replica of Sweden's famous ice hotel...

Or possibly the end scene in Ghostbusters after Mr. Stay-Puft exploded over that art deco apartment building.


Well, ice hotel or achitecture coated in nuked Fluff , it's an elegant way to showcase your culinary talents and distract your guests from the pot o' cheesy fishy bed-rolls before them.

Finally, today we unveil a side dish...


"Red Cabbage with Marrons and Bacon." This is described as "a delicious combination of flavors and a good accompaniment to meat, especially pork." Because, of course, what goes better with pork than... more pork? These vintage cookbooks are about nothing if not variety.

That aside, in my own ignorance, (because as I'd said before, I'm not as intellectual as this cookbook), I had to look up what marrons are. Merriam-Webster defines marrons as "chestnuts, and especially Spanish chestnuts, preserved in vanilla-flavored syrup."

So, looking at the full ingredients here, we're talking cabbage, bacon, red wine, a quarter pound of butter, and then nuts preserved in vanilla-flavored syrup?

The nice thing about this dish is how it caters to the low-cal heart-health set.

And best of all, when you're reaching for your insulin and clutching your chest from the angina, you might not even think about how much this dish looks like a human rights organization example of how undetected landmines hurt millions every year.

In the mood to read additional posts on questionable recipes of the past? You might enjoy:

• "Dubious Dinner and Riotous Retro Recipes," where sausages swim in synchronized routines and vegetarian dishes may very well be man-eating... click here

• Or "The Horrors of Home Cooking: Recipes of Yesteryear" where Worchestershire sauce demonstrates its versatility as well as its ability to instill gastronimic fear. Click here for that one.

Or, if that's not your style-- click here to check out last "Treasure Box Wednesday: In the Pink with Pottery, Pyrex and Plates."

Otherwise, I hope to see you this coming Wednesday! (Hmmm... I'm hungry. Time to remove that vegetable wall display and have a nosh.)