Dubious Dinners and Riotous Retro Recipes

See these cheerful vintage cookbooks? Who would suspect that among their well-thumbed pages lurk frightening flavors and perplexing presentations?

Join me today as we take a culinary journey filled with wonder—and whipped milk—in Pet Milk’s “Thrifty Tempting Meals for 2 or 4 or 6” circa 1937, and Good Housekeeping’s “Egg and Cheese, Spaghetti and Rice”, 1958.

Once you see these eyebrow-raising edibles, I believe you’ll agree—it’s a huge credit to our mothers and grandmothers that good old-fashioned home-cooking still has the beloved reputation it does today.

We start with Pet Milk’s first dinner suggestion … “Sausage Cobbler.”


Yes, indeed, good hostesses know, no evening meal is complete without sausages ready to entertain the dinner guests in a synchronized swimming routine.

See the fried, sliced apples in the center? They’re playing the role of Esther Williams. At the end of their extravaganza, they rise from the depths of the pool on a rotating platform, perfectly dry and spurting sparklers.

Guests love a big finish.

And what exactly are they swimming IN? Why, it’s a combination of corn meal and Pet (brand) irradiated milk.

When Spiderman was exposed to radiation, he developed superpowers. But when milk is irradiated by ultra-violet rays, it is “enriched with the sunshine vitamin D.”

Causing it to be “twice as rich as ordinary milk”…

And also to have its own radio show.


Pet Milk recommends this dish be served with Creamed Brussels Sprouts. Thus ensuring those pesky dinner guests never drop by unannounced a second time.

Next we have what’s listed as a “thrifty dinner.” I was excited about this because, as you know, I’m all about the thrift. Er…


Is it my imagination, or do those pies appear to have a bad case of acne?

No, they’re Hamburger Pies and—surprise!— the crust you see there isn’t burnt, it’s the ground beef, molded conveniently into pie shape! That allows the meaty interior to be easily filled with Pet Milk and pimples-- er, sorry-- peas. Why, it’s meat, dairy and vegetables all in one! And it’s guaranteed to be easy on the digestive system because it doesn’t have any of those pesky seasonings to get in the way. Or to, you know, add flavor.

So what does Pet Milk offer for the vegetarian dinner guest?


This face-hugger, from the movie "Aliens."

Actually, it says it’s Breaded Parsnips and Savory Limas. The disembodied head of Pet Milk star Mary Lee Taylor tells us, “All the recipes in the Pet Milk cookbooks, and all I demonstrate on air, have been created and tested in the Pet Milk Experimental Kitchen.”


Well, see, that explains it. This is just something that escaped from the normally-locked part of the Pet Milk Experimental labs. Pet Milk had to cover up the incident by calling it breaded parsnips and limas.

I like in particular how you bread and fry the parsnips. Then fry the limas. Then fry bacon to put IN the limas. What could be more perfect for the health-conscious vegetarian lifestyle?

Next we move on to the “Egg and Cheese, Spaghetti and Rice” cookbook. And are you ever in for a treat! How do you feel about starting your day with…


Eggs Divan?

This looks less like a breakfast dish to me and more like something Captain Picard would discover in a lizard-people society. It causes us to ask that age-old question: are they hatching, or is that sauce?

Even the glass chicken on the table looks a little wary. Like it’s waiting for the right moment to make a break for it when those babies fully erupt.

Well, how about something for the seafood lovers out there? Here we have a shot of the Jersey shore after illegal corporate dumping and--


Oops!-- Sorry, wrong caption. This is Clams Inverness. We know this is a seafood dish by the cleverly chosen shell-shaped pasta, reflecting the intense natural beauty and culture of Northern Scotland. I don’t know about you, but canned clams and shaped macaroni always make me long for rolling fields of heather and bagpipes.

Well, if seafood isn’t your thing, then let’s go South of the Border! Here, we have a historic reenactment of a Mayan sacrifice and…


Again, my apologies. This is Speedy Spanish Rice. Not Mexican at all. And it takes full advantage of all the flavors Spanish cuisine has to offer… with canned tomato sauce… yellow mustard... and that perennial Espagne flavor favorite… MSG! More fun than the Running of the Bulls!

But what dinner would be complete without dessert?


This is Ellen’s Frozen Cream Cheese.

It involves cream cheese… sweetened condensed milk… heavy cream... sour cream... hair cream... feta... (okay, kidding about those last three)... vanilla and salt. Mm-mm! But please, don’t be threatened by the fruit. That’s just garnish. We don’t want it to, in any way, unbalance the fat content of this fine dinner-topper and…

Who’s Ellen you ask? Ellen’s the one who taste-tested this and died instantly of a shocking coronary arterial clog. The makers of the cookbook felt it only right to honor her memory through this delightful recipe.

She has been sorely missed.

Oh, and in case YOU’D missed my past post on vintage recipes, “100 Ways to Be Original in All Your Cooking” (every one of them involving Worcestershire Sauce!--- subtly courtesy of Lea & Perrins) click here.

Otherwise, I will see you all later, my friends! And thanks for stopping by!

Hmm… think I could use a spot of lunch about now. Clams Inverness, anyone?