Horrors of Home Cooking: Recipes of Yesteryear

As Halloween approaches, our minds turn toward symbols of the harvest.... Of falling leaves.... And of good old-fashioned home-cooking.

Many years ago, Lea & Perrins decided to contribute to those images of home and hearth, with a helpful recipe book entitled “100 Ways to Be Original in All Your Cooking”...

Original:

This means “adding Worcestershire sauce to everything including your Jell-O molds.”

Today, as my little tribute to humor writer James Lileks’ “Gallery of Regrettable Food,” we will take a trip into the past. Back to a time where “Original Dishes Men Like” (read: meat, meat and more meat) were sought and prepared with love and spring-form pans...

Where the secret to “gracious living and fine eating” was available in one simple bottle...

And when the culinary creations before eating, and during digestion, tend to look roughly the same.

Also because I found the cookbook at the Good Samaritan Thrift Store really cheap.

We begin here...

Lea & Perrins tells us Men like:

Stew in a fancy silver chafing dish! And what stew is it? Why “Company Stew”!

Maybe it’s just my anticipation of the upcoming film, but I’m getting a bit of a Sweeney Todd vibe here...

“Did the police ever find Betty’s missing boarder?”

“No, it’s quite a mystery. But speaking of Betty, did she give you a quart of her Company Stew? She’s so generous, she’s given some to half the neighborhood! You know, I served it to Bob and the kids last night, and it was simply divine! That boarder sure did miss out on a some gracious living and fine eating!...What, you found some spectacles in yours? How strange!”

The fine print tells us this is “a man’s meal everyone in the family will enjoy.” According to the cookbook, Men also like:

--Corned Beef Hash Surprise (the surprise being-- you guessed it!-- Worcestershire Sauce)...

--a Frankfurter and Baked Bean Crown (standing hotdogs on end in beans will make your husband feel like the King of His Castle)

--And Colonial Cheese, referred to as a “bitey cheese spread for a successful stag party”...

I don’t know... the picture above looks more like what happens after the stags devour pizza and a few too many Rob Roys. But hey-- to each his own.

And now...

I can see it now. “Mmmm, honey, Crusty Chicken Livers and Mushrooms on Toast! You sure are original!”

If chicken livers were a morning food, why haven’t the breakfast cereal people caught onto this?

Oh, forgive me... crusty chicken livers. And they’re crusty because we are to “roll livers in biscuit mix” and “fry livers until golden brown and crisp.” The theory, I suppose, being that if you coat them in something innocuous, you can even turn the largest organ of the chicken’s body into a “Gourmet dish for an elegant brunch.”

I can’t say I’ve ever heard of “elegance” involving toast. But then I don’t get to the really posh places.

And now we’re going to...

These are Flamenco Veal Chops. The caption reads, “Confetti colored sauce to brighten the bland taste of veal.”

I know I haven’t attended many parties lately, but this does not look like confetti to me. In fact, the only comparison to a party I can easily make is to the Prom Scene from “Carrie.”

I love how they have a little dish to the side with a ladle in it in case anyone wants extra sauce. Now who doesn’t appreciate an optimist?

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Okay, here’s something I bet a number of you can identify with...

Your 16 year old son has barely uttered two words to you since he started high school. Your 14 year old daughter is going with that greaser who’s into all that Rock And Roll. And you want to create a dinner that will really bring the family together. So you grab your bottle of Lea & Perrins and...

...All aboard the Meat Loaf Train!

This had to be a sure-fire way for families to know Mom had cracked under the strain of society. Cute, yes. but the very fact that she spent time cutting asparagus into tiny bits so she could load up a Meat Car means she’s either had one too many PTA meetings, or has been hitting the cooking sherry in the pantry.

Pretty soon she’ll be saying she’s seen space ships and forming a replica of Devil’s Tower in the mashed potatoes. Yeah, it’s anachronistic. But still...

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Now let’s..

This doesn’t appear to be enough to serve eight people, but maybe they’re properly taking into account the amount folks will want when they see it. In which case, this could feed crowds on almost Last Supper levels.

What IS it, you ask? “Curried King Crab with Sweet Sour Sauce.” And the caption reads, “Far East cuisine with a chutney-type relish to impress company, yet simple enough to allow you to be a relaxed hostess.”

Did you know the key to Far East cuisine is Worcestershire sauce from the UK? It’s a little-known fact that Marco Polo used Lea & Perrins as a part of his culinary exchange program; he brought pasta from China to Europe and traded them Worchestershire Sauce from England. The history books just somehow skip over that detail.

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Okay, get out that confetti again and put on the Lawrence Welk because it’s time to:

The items in the middle? They’re Filled Puffs.” The caption here reads, “Tiny bubble filled with ‘oh boy, what is it?’”

Sometimes additional commentary really is unnecessary.

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And lastly let’s...

This is Pizza Plus. The Plus means only one person gets cheese on their slice of pizza. But the rest of the folks get a taste of everything including whole pearl onions. Italian Sausage slices and... er...

What is that series of exclamation points over on the left-hand side?

OH, it’s artistically-arranged ANCHOVIES! How silly of me not to recognize them right away.

All with a tomato-Worcestershire sauce. No oregano, basil or other traditional Italian seasonings are apparently necessary. (We are being “Original” after all, and Italian seasoning on pizza is just SO cliche,) The Worcestershire Sauce does all the work.

It’s suggested that this pizza be served “hot with tall cold drinks.” I suspect tee-totalers will be reaching for a beer when presented with this one.

“Marge, I didn’t know you drank!”

“Funny, I just took it up.”

Well, dear folks, that is the end of our culinary horrors for today. To continue the theme of humor and housekeeping, I also bring you my recipients of the “Make Me Smile” award. I was presented this by fellow-blogger Carrie at “Oak Rise Cottage”-- so kind of you, Carrie!-- and I thought it might be fun to share a few online venues that make ME smile as well.

Click here to visit the Make Me Smile page. Otherwise, I hope to see you next week!

The "You Make Me Smile" Awards

Bisque cherubs in rakishly-tipped hats make me smile...

And so did receiving the totally-out-of-the-blue “You Make Me Smile” award from Carrie over at the Oak Rise Cottage blog. (Click here to visit her site.)

So in all the silliness of my other post-- the Horrors of Home Cooking-- I thought it would be fun to share with you a few sites that have made me laugh over the years. I don’t list these all in my Resources section, because really, they’re more general humor or just pleasant places to visit than related to inexpensive decorating. But I thought you might get a laugh as well.

First, to keep up with the theme of my other post today, I’d wanted to introduce you to James Lileks’ two mini sites--

The Gallery of Regrettable Food was what inspired today’s post. His recipe for 50s cookbook-related humor involves a few cups dry wit and a dash of the disgusting. Click here to visit.

His Interior Desecrations site takes a similarly sarcastic look at the worst in past interior design. Click here to see why a return to the 70s strikes fear in the hearts of some.

Stitchy McYarnpants tackles bad knitting and crochet patterns of the last few decades. Click here for Stitchy.

And Threadbared, while unfortunately no longer adding new materials, examines sewing patterns and why it’s probably a good idea some of these styles have been lost to the sands of time. Click here.

Two blogs I haven’t talked about before that have made me laugh are:

Mrs. Nesbitt’s Place- Mrs. Nesbitt combines great photography and witty photo caption contests in her UK-based blog. Watch as she captures cows, geese and her beloved dog Wilma in silly and surprising poses. Click here to stop by and see Mrs. Nesbitt and Wilma.

And Miss Doxie- You don’t have to be a fan of dachshunds to get a laugh from the antics of Miss Doxie. As a young, female lawyer she tries to retain her professional image, while maniacally combatting things like skirts that split down the back, traffic cops, and balancing the needs of several willful dachshunds including Bo, who is definitely doggie high-maintenance. (Language here can be colorful sometimes, so warning in advance for those bothered by that sort of thing. I’d give it about a PG-13 if that helps.) Click here to visit her site.

Oh, and before I go-- did you get a chance to read The Horrors of Home Cooking post yet? Click here for a helping of that.

Winners of the Nifty, Thrifty Gifty Giveaway

Ah, it's an exciting day here at The Thrift Shop Romantic! Why? Because today I get the pleasure of announcing the winners of the Nifty Thrifty Gifty Giveaway!

Gosh, I feel just like Bob Barker. (Except, you know, without all the sexual harassment lawsuits.)

First of all, I'd like to thank just everyone who played along! You all put quite a bit of thought into your responses, and I'm aware the game wasn't the easiest. I know prices and item availability vary across areas of the country.

But that said, you gals have "skillz"! (Well, as "skillz"-oriented as any of us inclined to use teacups and vintage tablerunners can be, anyway.) You really rose to the challenge, made some insightful, educated guesses. I found myself cheering you all on as the entry emails came in! I hope you had some fun, too.

And now, to reveal the winners and the correct answers to the puzzles.

For the first basket, entrants had to choose from six labeled items "Which Item was NOT $1 or less?"
This was of:

1.) Fairy candle holder
2.) Portrait plate
3.) Carnival glass tumbler
4.) Jadeite cup
5.) Red rose embossed lampshade
6.) Vintage pink glass bowl



The correct answer here was #6, the vintage pink glass bowl. I bought this bowl at the L&L Fleatique in Jeannette, and it cost $3. Which still is quite good, as these bowls aren't easy to find-- plus it matches some other pieces I have.

Quite a few of you chose the portrait plate which, believe it or not, was actually $1! I found that at a booth in the Riverfront Antique Mall in New Philadelphia, Ohio, and it was sitting haphazardly on the FLOOR in a stack with some other plates. I had to read the price several times before I realized the owner had actually-and-for-truly marked it as $1! As a decorative item, you just can't go wrong with that.

A few of you also suggested the red rose-embossed lampshade was more than $1-- but not only was it just one buck, it also has a matching buddy. I got them at the U.F.O. (Used Furniture Outlet) in Greensburg on one of their overflowing dollar shelves. For a gal who loves fixing up lamps, the shades were too tempting to pass up.

I had three entrants who correctly guessed that the vintage pink bowl was the sly intruder in my list of dollar items. So those three names went into the drawing for the Shabby Chic-styled gift basket-- as witnessed by one of my friends who witnessed the spectacle to ensure everything was on the level. (And yes, my friends DO think I’m nuts, but this was no better proof of it than anything else, really).

So the winner of the basket is a lady who goes by the name of “Mightycat”. Congratulations to you, O Cat of Keen Mental Power! Mightycat has already been notified of the good news and once we pin down the ol’ logistics, I’ll be shipping off her package.


Okay, are we ready to reveal the answers to puzzle number two? That was, "Which of these items came from a thrift store?" And I'd mentioned that there could be more than one.

This was a tough one. Here you had a choice of:

1.) Marble topped pedestal table
2.) Shabby chic style mirror
3.) Green vintage vase
4.) Vintage rose-printed vinyl dress box
5.) Antique dresser/jewelry box with still life
6.) Pair of chalkware bookends
7.) Vintage lampshade






The answer to this one was that everything came from a thrift store EXCEPT the green vintage vase. The vase came from an antiques mall which sadly no longer even exists anymore, out by Smicksburg, PA and near the Wingate Winery. I think I paid about $4 for it. But can you believe the marble-topped table, the antique dresser/jewlery box, the lampshade, the chalkware bookends, the mirror and the vinyl dress box ALL were thrifted finds in the last year or so?

I thought this was a fun idea simply because it goes to show the remarkable things it's possible to find in thrifts!

As I'd said, this was a really tough one, because as many of you thrift-savvy people rightly pointed out, virtually anything in the list could be a thrifted item. That said, we didn't have any one person who got all of the items correct. But we DID have three sharp-guessing ladies who guessed only one item incorrectly. So those entries went into the drawing.

I'm pleased to announce the winner of the second giveaway basket is “Belle-n-Lex”.

Congratulations to you, Belle, for your nifty thrifty detectivework! You have been contacted and will be receiving the second of our giveaway baskets! Woo-hoo, Belle!


And that about wraps up the first giveaway on The Thrift Shop Romantic.

Next week, in honor of the upcoming Halloween holiday, join me as we thrill and chill to some SCARY retro-recipes and some decorating HORRORS I’ve found recently in thrifted ephemera.

Until then, have a safe and happy week!