Treasure Box Wednesday: Treasured Humor

I had kinda of an amusing incident at the Goodwill the other day, and I wanted to remember to share it with you folks.

I had taken my lunchbreak at a local Goodwill branch and found a couple of goodies to my joy, one of which was a CD with some tunes I'd wanted to add to the 80s mix on my iPod.

The sign above them read that the CDs were kept in the back, to prevent theft. Totally understandable. More thrifts are keeping the discs safe in folders at the registers, so items don't just "walk away." I've gotten a lot of decent CDs this way.

So I continued shopping and then took my purchases up to one of the store's two registers just like any old time.

First, the cashier and I commiserated on the choice of music, she sharing a fondness for 80s tunes, and having owned the album herself in her youth. All perfectly normal...

And then she grabbed the store PA microphone:

"Cyndi Lauper-- She's So Unusual. That's Cyndi Lauper-- She's So Unusual, could someone please bring that CD to the front register, please? Cyndi Lauper..." 

Her words echoed throughout the entire store like the voice of a very efficient, very music-savvy deity.

The woman behind me in line looked as startled as I was and we both broke out laughing. 

It's a really good thing I'm not shy about sharing my music tastes, though I have to say, I can think of very few albums I'd really want to have announced over the loud speakers to the Wide World of my fellow shopping Goodwillers.

I imagine they did this because they have two registers and wanted the disks in neutral territory, for easy access from both, but I think there has to be a slightly better way.

Anyway, I hope all of you fine readers celebrating the Christmas holiday find yourself merrily in tune with the season. Thank you all for making it such a great year here at The Thrift Shop Romantic.

Giggles over Wiggling, Jiggling Jell-O

"The Joys of Jell-O Gelatin are never ending."

That's what a thrifted recipe book-- " The New Joys of Jell-O" assures us. And certainly when you can make anything with it-- from the tantalizing jellied prune whip, to an antipasto salad that uses vinegar, salami and lemon gelatin-- well, you've pretty much got variety up the wazoo.


But the recipes weren't the actual reason I bought this book. I mean, sure, I could pluck the very most molded and gooey creations and scare everybody here silly with them, including myself. But it's time I grow up and demonstrate that I'm more mature than that...

So I'm going to make fun of the book's lifestyle shots.

"The New Joys of Jell-O" was set in the early 70s. A time where women were just beginning to re-enter the workforce. Where people of color were being featured more regularly on TV and in film. And where every housewife knew that when bringing a dessert, it was absolutely critical to match that dessert to one's outfit...

Like our neighbors here...


Nancy Neighbor is always showing off. Every get-together, it's all fancy Jell-O dessert and color-coordinated kaftan. She doesn't even really want to be here. Look at that forced smile. Notice how she won't quite look us in the eye?


She was fighting with her husband, Norris Neighbor, all the way over here. She feels we aren't refined enough to truly appreciate her Jell-O creations. Norris, by the way, is a detective in Barney Miller's precinct. And he knows Nancy's been cheating on him-- cheating with the guy who stocks the Jell-O down at the supermarket. They'll announce their divorce next week.

And it looks like Norris already has his eye on you.


Speaking of outfit-to-Jell-O coordination...


When serving Jell-O parfaits, it's absolutely critical to dress like one. It sets the tone, the atmosphere. Given the time period, having a party where people of different races intermingle was rather daring and forward-thinking of Jell-O. It tells us that whether you're black, white, purple or green, Jell-O is happiness and racial harmony... It brings us all together! And just to further emphasize the happy relations of people of all colors and creeds, the parfaits that match the hostess' dress are, yes, black and white. Subtle, eh?

The man pictured on the right doesn't look too happy, though, does he?

I think he's listened to laughing boy's jokes on the left just a few too many times and is trying to tune out.

"Please, let this party end soon... Please let this party end soon... So help me, I hate this guy."

Here, the Brady Bunch kids make Jell-O to sell and raise money for their parents' anniversary present...


But because Marcia and Bobby ate everything they made, the young Bradys ended up having to go on a variety show and sing instead. This is one of the outtakes.

Moving on-- Ahhh, nothing like Jell-O logs melting before an open fire!...

But what's happening here?...

As Sue and Steve flirt in their matching turtleneck sweaters, Kim is comforted only by the warmth of her sheepdog skin vest and yet another glass of Chianti.

Hey, Kim, it looks like you spilled some on the rug! Oh, no-- nevermind. That's just the pattern.


Ah, the wedding day! Doesn't the bride look beautiful? And what better to complement a happy occasion than a Nerf football readily handy on the buffet table, offering easy access for a post-ceremony pick-up game?

Wait-- my mistake-- that's actually Creamy Bleu Cheese Salad which uses Dream Whip Whipped Topping, Bleu Cheese, Cream Cheese and, of course, Lemon Jell-O. Mmm-mmm. This will be a feast that couple is destined never to forget!

Well, okay, I know SAID I wasn't going to share any recipes with you today, but I thought I might include just two...

Mrs. Lovett was very economical. What she didn't use in her meat pies went into her desserts. Black cherry Jell-O? Maybe... maybe not. Only she and Sweeney Todd know for sure.

And in the "Things You Never Thought Of" chapter, I must say, I have to agree with the Jell-O people...


I never would have thought of glazed hors d'oeuvres using dill, vinegar, cayenne, bayleaf and Lemon Jell-O over finger sandwiches...

And I hope to never think of it again, too.

Jell-O is groovy!

And so are you, for stopping by today!

• For those who missed Wednesday's post where we take a look at the magical architecture of Kennywood Park, click here.

• And take a trip with me to the Redwood Forest, the Black Hills, the Grand Canyon and more-- all through 1930s postcards by clicking here.

Hope you're having a terrific summer!

Whatever Happened to Baby Greens? or Strange Salads from 1940

"Salads have become increasingly popular in recent years, and with heightened popularity has come a greatly widened consideration of what makes a salad."

You can say THAT again, Sister! The salads we're going to be seeing today ain't your mamma's cole slaw, no-how.

These dishes are the Elton Johns of salads... The Liberace of Salads... The Cher of Salads. Bizarre! Outrageous! Time-consuming! And often shaped like barnyard animals! These are...

...500 Delicious Salads. Brought to us, it appears, by the Culinary Arts Institute's Marlene Dietrich look-alike...


Because nothing says "Home Cooking" like the presence of a severe, booze-swilling Austrian actress.

And setting the stage for Overly-Detailed Salad Extravagance is this first item in the book, "Spring Flowerpot Salads"...

You get the sense right away, that you're stepping into an alternate universe when decorative salads like these are set up as the standard for everyday eating. And then you read the caption:

These flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la, are the loveliest luncheon salads.

"Tra la"?

See it's the "tra la" that frightens. The "tra la" that doesn't so much convey lighthearted joy over salad-making as it does that the little wife has spent too much time inside the house forcing unnatural cheer during the Depression, and now some strange breezes are starting to blow through the windmills of her mind.

And as she becomes increasingly paranoid, why, even the SALADS HAVE EYES...


This salad reminds me of that Salvador Dali dream sequence in Hitchcock's Spellbound. The caption reads:

The brilliant color of the cranberry ring filled with shrimp and garnished with pineapple slices and cream cheese makes a real picture.

A picture? You mean one of those portraits where the subject's eyes look back and follow you all over the room? Do you not SEE the eyes, O Culinary Arts Institute People? Are you turning a blind eye to the EYES?

This is creeping me out. Let's move on to something a little more soothing. Like to a miniaturized version of the set from "Lost."

Once the passengers on flight 815 crash landed, they stayed for a healthy lunch of cream cheese, mayonnaise, unflavored gelatin and egg yolks.

The caption tells us:

This molded chicory crown will add new laurels to your reputation as a hostess.

Possibly so-- folks really are hooked on "Lost," aren't they? And next week you can serve a "Desparate Housewives" themed hotdog ring.

Speaking of desparate housewives, how about this salad?..



The caption reads:

Mold jellied salads in perky shapes for individual service instead of using large molds. When arranged on a bed of chicory with mayonnaise piled in the center, they'll keep the family coming back for more.

Oh, they're perky all right! If you put some Mardi Gras beads on the plate, it could be New Orleans during the parade.

Am I the only one who thinks Sigmund Freud would have had a field day with this dish?

But now we move onto the holidays. And what says Easter better than...


"Bunny Salads"?

And no, they are NOT mice. Or hamsters, or guinea pigs... They're bunnies. You can tell by the carrot on the plate next to them.

What-- guinea pigs and hamsters like carrots, too?

Well, nevermind. This is art.

And just what is this art that "will delight every youngster at the Easter party"?

Lime gelatin, cottage cheese, pear halves, pimiento cheese and paprika. Yes, indeed, what kid wants a cheeseburger and fries when he could have pimientos, curdled milk products and lime Jell-o?

I notice-- and there's no picture of it, I'm sorry-- the book also suggests a "Duck Salad" where ducks heads are made from peach halves, cottage cheese and mayo. Not a duck to be found in it! So our friend Daffy can breathe a little easier.

And lastly, I give you...

Turkey Salad! The first official turkey salad I've seen that's 100% turkey free!

It's made with pears, pecans, watercress, apple, pineapple, candied cherries, cream cheese French dressing and, of course, pimiento. And the caption confides:

Turkey gobbler, sea lion or pussy cat will be the result of your skill and imagination

.
And psychiatric evaluation will be the result of your salad ideas, dear Culinary Arts Insititute People. I mean, first of all, this doesn't really even LOOK very much like a turkey, does it? And then when you start trying to trot out things like kittens and SEA LIONS...

They're going to be packing your bags for the Institute for the Very, Very Nervous in two shakes of that pussycat's tail.

Well, that ends our journey into the wide world of 1940s salads.

If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy the past posts regarding vintage cookbooks:

• Artichoked Up over Befuddling Vintage Vittles-- Artichokes as candleholders? It can't be! Click here.

• Dubious Dinners and Riotous Retro Recipes-- Watch sausages do synchronized swimming! Click here.

• Horrors of Home Cooking: Recipes of Yesteryear- What can you do with Worchestershire sauce? Entirely too much for good sense, apparently. Click here.
  

And have a wonderful, pimiento-free week, my friends!

Battier Homes and Gardens, 70s Style

Retina-burning color schemes, shag carpeting you could lose a small child in, and wall art with demonic influence... Such was the decor of the 70s. Here at The Thrift Shop Romantic, I always say you can learn a lot from the past. And in this case, it's sort of like learning from the lessons of World War II-- we need to understand what happened, so it never, ever happens again.

To be honest, the books that I'm about to show you did have some fairly liveable rooms in them. Rooms with, perhaps, trendy colors of the time, or with a distinctive 70s feel to them, but they were still rooms that were comfortable. Practical. The Everyhouse.

Then there are the ones I'll highlight today.


Open up the Better Homes and Gardens Decorating Book, and one of the first lessons you get is on color...


This is what chicken pox would look like if it were interpreted as a living room. The book tells us:

"Warm colors, the tangy tones of sun and earth, bring vitality and light to shadowy rooms. Red, yellow and orange, set against subtle wood and grass cloth sufraces, make this room bright, alive and exciting."

I'm not exactly sure where the grass cloth surfaces are here, but maybe it's just the vibrating glare that's caused me to miss them. All I see is a color scheme which makes a McDonald's play area look "restrained" and "understated." Note the lonely animal print pillow on the couch, echoing the circles in the wall art. It's like a poor leopard kitten got lost in the middle of the Mojave desert at sunset. And it's frightened.

Next we have our first example of questionable artwork...


The book reads as follows:

"Mushroom stools alternate lively hues in this scheme. When you choose cool colors like this, it's a good idea to warm them a bit with a touch of color from the sunny side of the spectrum."

Which is apparently where the malevolent, man-eating lion yarn-art in argyle comes in. Somehow the sly, hungry look on its face doesn't convey "sun" and warm good cheer to me.

Note how the narrowness of the ledge makes it impossible for it to be used for actual.. oh... sitting. Or leaning... And the stools are so high up under it, you probably couldn't get your legs under the ledge, anyway. Impractical AND mystifying.... just what the modern 70s woman looks for in decor!

Well, let's move onto the kiddies' room.


Here the caption reads:

"For the nursery set, but especially for the mother, this room is delightfully fresh."

Fresh, and already inhabited by trolls, it seems. Look- there's one now, coming to steal the baby away to their daisy-covered mound!...


Look at the expression on that doll's face. Any child growing up in this room is going to need serious therapy. And possibly allergy shots. I wonder what the color of that fabric is, "Pollen 109"? And dig that kelly green paint on the antique rocker. Yes, indeed, the Victorians were really big on woodwork the color of a billiard table, let me tell ya.

Well, maybe you're looking for new ideas for a zingy livingroom scheme. How about bringing your guests here?...


This room has it all. Orange, hot pink, lime green, florals and stripes... Won't your best chums Alice and Peggy just think this is to DIE FOR? Especially that wall art! Let's get a closer look at that, shall we?


Nothing says cutting-edge decor and good taste like a cartoon marker drawing of a sad, sad child. It's just one of those pieces that you never get tired of looking at.

And then there's this example of a den.

The caption urges us to look at the "striking window treatment," but me, I can't take my eyes off that carpet of dried tobbaccy. You can't even see where the chair meets the floor, the weeds are so high. Wait a moment, I'll get my push mower and be right back.

Ah, but even more treasures await in Creative Decorating on a Budget:


This book is after my own heart-- demonstrating creative ways to make your home look expensive without spending a lot of money. And how do they suggest we do that? Well, one way is here...


In the section "Furniture Flair at a Fraction of the Cost," they tell us the secret to the, er, successful room above:

"For table-top, cut a 60-inch circle out of a table tennis top: use leftover wood for shelf of serving buffet. Set table top on a 2-foot chimney flue liner and support with iron brackets. Cover laminated plastic."

Okay, so let me get this straight. You can't afford a table. So you buy a TABLE-TENNIS TABLE and cut a huge circle out of it. And also buy a chimney flue liner. And brackets. So, er, HOW is this cheaper?

Presumably if you already have a table tennis table, little Timmy and Susie are going to be pretty disappointed when they decide to renact Chris Everett or John McInroe's last match, and they're missing a giant sphere out of the center. And I'd be taking bets on who the first guest would be to fall off those wicker tuffets. I'm putting my money on Great-Aunt Celia after her third Pink Squirrel.

Lastly, we have a hand-made headboard, designed to bring us many nights of restful slumber...


Okay, I'm not resting. Is it just me or does this headboard look... violent? Like eventually there will be heads on those pikes?

Well, with visions of the Elizabethan justice system, that pretty much wraps up this Sunday's post.

• If you haven't already, check out last Treasure Box Wednesday, and some goodies from Ireland...
• And if ya have an extra moment, you might also get a laugh from the humor post on my other blog, Of Cabbages and Kings, where I relay the tale of a trip to Canada, and how I ended up surrounded by Mounties and with only one shoe. Click here for that.
  

Happy Spring to you, my friends! See you again soon.

Artichoked Up Over Befuddling Vintage Vittles

Ah, Amy Vanderbilt: the Martha Stewart of yesteryear. But even Martha has her "off" days, right? (Cooking and crafting ones, I mean. Not ones that involve electronic ankle bracelets; this blog can only cover so much.)

What I'm trying to say is: not all creative ideas withstand the test of time... or, say, make it comfortably through the digestive process. And those are the recipes I hope you'll get some grins from today.

The first comes from the 1966 Amy Vanderbilt Success Program for Women cookbook, "Serving Food Attractively."


The book tells us, "Artichokes, halved, filled with jellied madrilene and topped with a slim slice of lemon are beautiful to look at and wonderful to eat." Merriam-Webster defines madrilene as "a consumme flavored with tomato." So basically, we're talking cold brothy-tomatoey jelly veg-nests here.

To look at this dish and its display-- complete with spoon-- reminds me a bit of the dinner scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Only they used monkey heads instead of artichokes.

But what is it we have over here? The book tells us an important part of good eating is in the presentation. So what exactly adorns our table?


Why, artichoke candlestick holders, of course! Made from fresh artichokes. And over here on the wall-- what says Old World Charm more than a wrought-iron wall plaque adorned with... yes, that's right... MORE real artichokes?


Ah, dig deep into your refrigerators, my friends-- it could be a whole new world of decorating inspiration. Store salt in your squash, pepper in your pears, and hang shallots from your chandelier to give it that special je ne sais quois (translation, "Why the heck is THAT up there?).

Do you test spaghetti by tossing a strand against the wall? Leave it. Enough pots of pasta and soon, you'll have a unique, handcrafted sculpted art installation, envied by all your closest friends who also tap into the Food Pyramid for decor options.

And when you tire of it? The candlesticks and wall art of today might just be the main course of tomorrow. There's no END to the possibilities.

Or, you could just, you know, shell out five bucks for some thrifted candlesticks and some paintings. Either way, really.

Well, how about this?

Here we are in the Tower of London. Ah!-- aren't the Crown Jewels stunning? And--

Oops, my bad. That's lamb. But, wait, what's that bubbling up from inside that little roast volcano?


A little hard to tell from here. Let's read the caption, shall we?

"Try your favorite recipe for crown roast of lamb. Top it with a combination of sauerkraut, rice and honey..."

Sauerkraut, rice and honey? So... okay, cabbage and then...

"Brussels sprouts make a flowery center for a frill of golden yams, and the spectacular spumoni make this an exciting holiday dinner."

I'll say it'll be exciting! A holiday dinner of twenty people devouring heaping plates of cabbage and brussels sprouts? And we all know what Great-Uncles Ernest and Eugene were like at the family picnic after a couple of plates of baked beans. With great mounds of these gaseous greens, a Silent Night it's unlikely to be!

Well, let's move from the holiday table to more practical, everyday eating, with the Amy Vanderbilt Success Program For Women "Casserole Cookery" book. And this book truly understands the pain of the modern 60s homemaker:

"Does your husband groan when you mention you are going to have a casserole for dinner?... Between you and me, many a delectable casserole has been made from left-overs, but husbands usually have to be shielded from the information that left-overs are the prime ingredient..."

(The poor dear flowers. So sensitive.)

"...Casserole cooking should be creative and stimulating, both in an intellectual and gustatorial manner..."

That's right, folks. "Intellectual" and "stimulating." So with that, I give you:


Kraut and Frankfurter Tahitian-- "a flavorful combination of sauerkraut, pineapple, onion, green pepper and frankfurters."

Ah, Tahiti... the waves, the breeze, the outdoor stands where you can get a red-hot with kraut on it for just under a Pacific franc.

What, you'd heard Tahitian cuisine was based on the island's French and Polynesian heritage? No, no, no! That's just for TOURISTS. TRUE island cuisine reflects all the processed meat gusto of an Oktoberfest in Munich. Remember, this dish is "intellectual." So it knows about culture and context and all of that stuff the rest of us don't. Trust the cookbook. It's a lot smarter than we are.

As proven by the inclusion of this little guy...


This is the island god, Ozca Maia. He's protector of the processed meats and ensures the prosperity of the island's vast cabbage plantations. You use him to distract your husband from the fact he's eating leftovers by prompting a fresh and exciting dinnertime conversation.

Conversation like, "Honey, what is this wooden thing, and why does it look like it's yodeling?"

That's when you tell him that yodeling was a popular ancient Polynesian pasttime, vital to tribal morale and communication. In fact, Tahitian Idol, as they called it, was the island's most popular weekly evening event.

See, how much more this cookbook knows than we do?

Now that we're done with cultural exploration of the South Seas, we move on to our friends in the North. The Far North. With "Swedish Pancakes with Tuna."


Note the gelatinous mold in the background, which is a to-scale replica of Sweden's famous ice hotel...

Or possibly the end scene in Ghostbusters after Mr. Stay-Puft exploded over that art deco apartment building.


Well, ice hotel or achitecture coated in nuked Fluff , it's an elegant way to showcase your culinary talents and distract your guests from the pot o' cheesy fishy bed-rolls before them.

Finally, today we unveil a side dish...


"Red Cabbage with Marrons and Bacon." This is described as "a delicious combination of flavors and a good accompaniment to meat, especially pork." Because, of course, what goes better with pork than... more pork? These vintage cookbooks are about nothing if not variety.

That aside, in my own ignorance, (because as I'd said before, I'm not as intellectual as this cookbook), I had to look up what marrons are. Merriam-Webster defines marrons as "chestnuts, and especially Spanish chestnuts, preserved in vanilla-flavored syrup."

So, looking at the full ingredients here, we're talking cabbage, bacon, red wine, a quarter pound of butter, and then nuts preserved in vanilla-flavored syrup?

The nice thing about this dish is how it caters to the low-cal heart-health set.

And best of all, when you're reaching for your insulin and clutching your chest from the angina, you might not even think about how much this dish looks like a human rights organization example of how undetected landmines hurt millions every year.

In the mood to read additional posts on questionable recipes of the past? You might enjoy:

• "Dubious Dinner and Riotous Retro Recipes," where sausages swim in synchronized routines and vegetarian dishes may very well be man-eating... click here

• Or "The Horrors of Home Cooking: Recipes of Yesteryear" where Worchestershire sauce demonstrates its versatility as well as its ability to instill gastronimic fear. Click here for that one.

Or, if that's not your style-- click here to check out last "Treasure Box Wednesday: In the Pink with Pottery, Pyrex and Plates."

Otherwise, I hope to see you this coming Wednesday! (Hmmm... I'm hungry. Time to remove that vegetable wall display and have a nosh.)