Slope Opera with Spinnerin Knits

Welcome to today's exciting episode of The Sliding White, the world's first thrifted soap-opera in skiwear knitting booklet form-- sponsored by 1960s Spinnerin Knits...

Watch as simple fisherman's sweaters and ski pullovers tell a complex tale of love... hate... jealousy... snow-blindness... and men in stretch pants!

Today's episode of treachery and stitchery begins in Switzerland at the Piz Corvatsch at Silverplana. Says the book:

"2000 years ago the Romans came here, but did not ski,
... because they had no skis
...because they did not know the Corvatsch"
Also, probably because armor and leather skirts don't fare particularly well in cold, wet conditions.

But I digress.

Let's meet our cast of characters, shall we?...

Ah, here we have the tortured Chad Fingering and the fickle but beautiful Vivien Worsted... Chad has always loved Vivien, but has not been able to truly express his love for her because of his marriage to the cold, calculating Carlotta Featherlon.

Vivien, as we see, is a tease. What else could one say about a woman who is supposed to be modeling a sweater you can knit, but instead seems to be saying:

"Look at my crotch! See my fine skier's body in these leggings that are not even knitted!"

Yes, Chad and Vivien had had some fine times together... Like the day Vivien, who had been snowblinded at an early age and now must ski using her other heightened senses, playfully decided to start a snowball fight with someone who wasn't actually there...

Ah, how Chad and she laughed!

Unfortunately, getting a divorce from Carlotta isn't the only barrier to Chad's happiness with Vivien. There is the handsome Hunter Twist, Vivien's fiancee and Chad's best friend... and greatest rival.

Ah, Hunter always seemed to be so good at everything, always giving Chad unsolicited advice on skiing and never noticing how it made Chad grit his teeth in rage...

The oblivious fool!

Still, Chad could at least spend some time with Vivien... even if it meant bringing Carlotta along. He would ask her to wear a hat just like Vivien's... to dress just like Vivien... to wear her hair just like Vivien... And maybe then, she would be enough like Vivien that he could almost love Carlotta...


Kisses, stolen behind Hunter's back, were so easy when you were duping a guy with the attention span of a gnat, and putting the moves on a blind woman.

"Hunter, is that you? You smell... different."

Sure, Chad had tried to make it work with Carlotta. Showed her his big telescope. Tried to find something in common...
She even seemed almost happy for a moment, like her joy could melt the ice and her cold, cold heart. But to Chad, the only thing that really worked were their matching ski outfits in red, white and blue. Yes, knitwear was the only thing that tied them together, largely with a cable stitch.

Of course, when Hunter started paying attention to Carlotta, too-- well, that was it! Couldn't Hunter see their matching sweaters with hip and swanky belt buckles stitched right into them? Was there any greater sign that Chad and Carlotta were a commited couple?


What man in his right mind would wear something like this, if his beloved didn't make him?
So Chad decided: something had to be done about Hunter.

Yes, while four may go to the slopes this day, only three would return...


As they prepared to go down the slopes, Chad's plan was in order. He asked the group to pose for one photo, just to remember this day by...


Will the game warden get to Vivien before she catches rabies from the live raccoon she's been wearing on her head instead of her hat?...

Will Hunter stop eyeing up snowbunnies long enough to realize there is murder in Chad's eyes?

And has Carlotta discovered Chad's horrific plan, or does she simply have a bad case of snowfleas from her Yeti costume?...

The answers to these and other nail-biting questions in the next episode of... The Sliding White.
Keep warm and watch out for those treacherous skiers!

8 comments:

Eve said...

OMG...that was HILARIOUS!!!!

I LOVE IT!!

Jenn Thorson said...

Eve- Glad you got some laughs! :)

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

That was fantastic! I can't wait to hear what happens next.

Melanie said...

ROFLMAO!!!! Too funny. I can't wait for the next episode.

But I also have a horrible confession to make. That red, white and blue sweater with the diagonal stripes? I knitted that very sweater back in '83.

Melanie said...

ROFLMAO!!!! Too funny. I can't wait for the next episode.

But I also have a horrible confession to make. That red, white and blue sweater with the diagonal stripes? I knitted that very sweater back in '83.

Jenn Thorson said...

Sandy- Hmm... we need some Evil Twins in here, don't we? :)

Melanie- To be honest, the sweaters in this magazine, particularly for the women, weren't really bad. I mean, there isn't anything visually offensive about them.

But the Spinnerin photo shoot folks always manage to make the modeling situations just a bit too funny to pass up discussing!

lovelylissie said...

This was so funny! I just love your writing and your blog. So much so that I want to give you a little blog award.

http://lovelylissie.wordpress.com/2009/09/21/blogger-awards/

wordtapestry said...

Meanwhile, I wouldn't mind knitting a couple of those. They're in style again. Of course, stuff with cables doesn't go out of style. Just corny photo shoots. :-)